When I first became pregnant, I cried like most people do. But, they weren't tears of joy. I wasn't read to have a child, nor did I ever want to have one. I told my boyfriend at the time and he convinced me to keep the baby. I was so worried. We didn't have the money for it or a good place for the baby to live. The whole pregnancy I didn't feel pregnant. Many people talk about that feeling of becoming a mommy. The joy you feel inside, anxiousness and glee. I didn't feel those things. I was still worried and someone selfish. I wanted to live my life without having a baby stopping that.
About 6 months in I started to feel alright. I was accepting that I was pregnant and that I was going to be a mom. Was I excited? No. But, I was learning to grow with my baby. As months past I started collecting items for her and became happier. Feeling her move in my tummy and hiccup after I ate was amazing.
Finally, the day came where it was time for her to be born to this world. I wasn't over excited, I was just there. Waiting to have my C-section and go home with a new member of the family. I mentioned earlier how everyone talks about the first moments when you see your child. How you never felt love until you see your first child born. Unlike many other women, I had post partum depression.
After, my C-section I saw my family around my little girl. They were so happy and excited. Taking photos and videos of her screaming for the first time. While I sat there almost in a haze. I was in the distance, it felt. My baby was right in front of me but I didn't want to hold her. It was almost like I was afraid of her. I didn't talk to anyone about how I felt because I knew if doctors found out they would want to watch me longer.
After, some healing and medical issues I got to go home. Once home, I did everything I could to get away from my baby. I would go outside and smoke. Lay down and sleep because of C-section pains. It took me 3 months to start to care about my little angel. I wish I could get back her first 3 months of life. Even though I was there, my memories are in a haze. Now, I am happily raising my daughter and enjoying every minute of it! Watching her stand all by her self and babbling away!
There is one thing I want all expecting moms and want to be moms reading this to know. When you feel down and want to just run away from your life. Talk to a friend or family member you can trust. There was nothing I could do to feel better, because there was no way I was going to take anti-depressants. But, PPD is nothing to be ashamed of. My PPD was bad for me, but I didn't want to hurt myself so I stuck through it on my own. If for any reason, any of you need help please do so!
Babies have no idea what's going on in life. All you can do is do what's best for them. I luckily had a good man to take care of her during my time of depression. If you don't have someone to help you, you can easily find help with your family doctor.
Tweet
No comments:
Post a Comment